Preserving the Heart

When I was five years old, I would brave the dark night to carry my father something to drink while he was working back in his shop.  It was a scary trek as I had a vivid imagination and often ended up running at full speed after having heard something in the woods.  However, it was more important to show my father love because that’s what he always gave me.  Nothing would make me feel as good as taking him some ice water and seeing how he appreciated it.  I have always been a daddy’s girl.  Which made it all the more difficult when he left.  I was grown but it didn’t matter, the fairy tale was shattered.  

Now, at thirty-four and living back at home with him, I see he is only a human being like we all are.  I see that life has been difficult, wrong decisions were made, that he is just like me, trying to figure out how to make it and be happy.  We disagree on certain fundamental ideals.  So what, right?  Underneath, I know he has a big heart, he just can’t admit it himself.  He is one of those people who will give his last ten dollars to someone in need waiting outside a convenience store.  He often says, “they may use it to buy drugs or alcohol but it’s still good to help.”  That attitude is out of line with the opinions he states about politics, war, enemies in general.  

I say all this to say this…..Saturday my dad and son spent all day harvesting figs and pears to preserve.  Sunday was spent in the small kitchen we all share doing the work of preserving.  Oh, I wasn’t in the small kitchen helping, like I would usually be, my dad was on his own.  Here is why…..I was mad at him for a rude comment he made about my husband.  So, he worked into the night to finish the figs, and had to get up at three a.m. for work.  

Then, this morning, cleaning up some of the mess, begrudgingly,  I remembered my five year old self, walking in the dark, just to give my father a drink.  I remembered following him through the tall east Texas pine trees as he worked.  I remembered his unconditional love.   I have been blessed to never have felt less loved because of my mistakes.  So, why am I mad to clean up the kitchen?  

I read somewhere that the heart has wisdom the mind has no knowledge of.  My heart was telling me to preserve pears and figs but my mind was, as usual, trying to create conflict.  It popped into my heart to work on the preserving project during the day while he was at work and surprise him with it.  My mind immediately said, “You don’t do those things for him anymore, you are grown and it’s silly.”  So, here is an example of a situation where I could show love and follow my heart or follow my resentful mind. So, I am off to the kitchen to do the former with a light and happy heart.   

 

Posted by crystalmuse23 on July 9, 2012

https://crystalmuse23.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/preserving-the-heart/