All posts for the month March, 2012

Indecisions, Indecisions

Lately I have found myself unable to make a decision, or I should say, I make a decision, but don’t stick with it for fear it is the wrong decision. Briefly, the following is the reason for my affliction……

I went to college to be a nurse….wrong decision…I wanted to major in English but, once again, fear got the better of me. Everyone around me was encouraging me to pursue a career in which I could make money and have stability in the job market. This, at the expense of my passions, my true interests. I have been a nurse for eight years now and have accumulated enough stress to last a lifetime. I wanted to be of service to others as a nurse, to care for those who needed healing. It was difficult to do that due to the many rules and restrictions of my employers and our government….Only spend a few minutes with each patient…..

I wanted to be a healer and I wanted to spend as much time with them as they needed. Anyway, I won’t go into all the details but I am no longer a practicing nurse, which was the result of more bad decisions made by yours truly. Since then, we have lost our home and just about everything else, but each other. However, in the midst of this maelstrom, I have found my Creator. Never in my life have I felt close to Him or had a relationship with Him, until now. So, I smile through my tears, as I give my worries to Him.

This has been difficult, to relinquish control, and I am still working on it. It is not a one time thing, I have to do it all day every day. I now pray for God’s will to be done in my life. It scares me a little still which is something I have to let go..but, I worry that His will won’t be what I want! See, here I go again…….

So, I am patiently waiting for His will to be done in my life, I am mindful and observant for the clues. This is a challenge for me. I have always jumped before even having a direction to jump in, which is why I am in the current situation. I always felt that I knew what was best for me and everyone else. It has taken me 34 years to figure out that I don’t have a freaking clue! So, I have convinced myself through the experience of one bad decision after another, that I am unable to control my life. I can’t be trusted.

So, here you go God……take it all from me, I know it’s a mess, maybe you can straighten it out for me. My ego immediately says…”Are you sure you trust someone else to direct your future?” Yes ego, I do, because you did a terrible job and you are fired!! Wow, what a load off…..

2 Comments

by crystalmuse23 on March 27, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged ego, God, healing, indecision, inspiration, nursing, passions, stress, writing

Posted by crystalmuse23 on March 27, 2012

https://crystalmuse23.wordpress.com/2012/03/27/indecisions-indecisions-17/

Rediscovering Magic

I began reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron this week. The book is wonderful so far. Sometimes, books come to you when you need them, like messages from the Universe.

One of the paths to opening up a creative block, as recommended in the book, is writing “Morning Pages.” Three full pages written out on paper. Your inspiration for this is your stream of consciousness. It sounded daunting to me as I am just beginning to write again after many years. However, when you are writing your every thought it actually goes quite fast. Today was my fourth day to roll out of bed and write down my every thought, whether good, bad, or ugly. Seeing how angry, grumpy and just plain negative some of my thoughts are is tough, but it is a cleansing of the mind. Afterwards, I feel refreshed and ready to fill my mind back up with positive, creative thoughts.

Next, the author recommends a weekly “Artist Date.” No, not a hot date with a sexy artist….actually, yes…a hot date with a sexy artist…yourself! So today was the day. I didn’t really know where to take myself so we went to the park, camera and notebook tagging along. As I am walking along the muddy trail with flip flops on, something happened. A fleeting memory of childhood….no, not really a memory but the feeling of magic I had as a child walking alone in the woods. The trees serving as majestic guardians, the scurry of animals, the magic of imagination. It felt wonderful, I felt so alive, and then it faded. But, I found it for a moment, something I have not been able to do in years.

What happens to that magic as we get older? Why is it so hard to hang onto that childlike wonder? Over the last ten years or so I have become jaded. While working as a nurse, I was constantly stressed, even at home. I found myself feeling as if something were lacking even though I had everything I needed and more. I constantly thought of alternatives to my fast paced lifestyle. Sometimes I think I was just not cut out for this fast-paced modern culture.

So, I will continue writing the Morning Pages and taking myself on dates. I will learn to love myself, opening a pathway for Divine inspiration and creativity, and I will share that inspiration with the world.

1 Comment

by crystalmuse23 on March 23, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged "Artist's Date", "Morning Pages", "The Artist's Way", creativity, imagination, inspiration, Julia Cameron, life, love, ramblings, thoughts, writer's block, writing

Posted by crystalmuse23 on March 23, 2012

https://crystalmuse23.wordpress.com/2012/03/23/rediscovering-magic-24-2/

The Toes Knows

I have never been a clumsy person. I made it to the age of 33 without one broken bone. So, about six months ago I was the recipient of a what I think was a stress fracture to my right foot. This happened, I think, while I was chasing my son and bad dog, Sophie (whom you can read about on TheAmateurBiologistOccasional blog) around the house at mach speed. It’s not really their fault though. It could be one or both of the following…..I might need to lose about 30 pounds or the Universe is trying to tell me to slow down. My husband went for the latter reason of course. He could be right though.

So, about two months ago I broke the pinky toe on my left foot. Before I tell you anything else I need to preface this…I love animals, any kind, and sometimes I can go overboard with my compassion (is that possible?). Sophie, in all her badness brought home to the backyard a squirrel. It really did look like it was either already dead or dying. I did not want the squirrel to have to die in my dog’s ferocious grasp. My son and I took a blanket and went out to retrieve the squirrel. Next, I brought it in the house to have a peaceful death wrapped in a blanket….yes, I brought the squirrel inside my house. We laid it on the floor and I proceeded to try and give it liquid acetaminophen in a syringe. The squirrel did not let on at that point that it was just playing dead.

I told my son we should take it into the laundry room so it would be closed in behind the door, just in case it didn’t die and wanted to get up. Well, it did want to get up and away from me. As I carried it to it’s new abode in the blanket I felt it move. I froze! I slid the squirrel and the blanket on the floor into the room and took off running through the kitchen, my son in tow. I never thought you could break a toe just running and falling on the floor, but you can.

So, there you go…….the first toe is broken. Did I take it easy these past few months and let it heal? Of course not, there is just too much to do.

Let’s move on to toe break number 2. This happened just yesterday morning. My husband is in the process of selling some old clock and watch repair tools. You can imagine, they are old and heavy and all over the house in the way. I can tell you this…if you walk into one of them it can break your toe. Strangely enough, this toe is also on the left foot next to the pinky toe and it hurt much worse than the squirrel break.

I have come to this conclusion, the toes know something….and are trying to tell me about it. I probably should slow down and rest the toe but who will take care of all the things I have to do? My husband, that’s who. He always volunteers to take care of things while I rest and I know he means it sincerely. This is about me having to be in control, having to make sure things get done the way I want them to.

Today I am going to do this…write, read, crochet, sleep (maybe), and rest my toe. I have to give the toes credit, they have accomplished a lot getting me to rest. I am going to accept the divine gift of a husband who loves me and wants to take care of me….I am blessed.

As far as my bad dog Sophie, at this very moment she is chasing my son around the house faster than lightning, just tempting me and my bad toes to come out and play…………….

Selective Killing

How do we justify the killing of one human being over another? This question truly perplexes me at this point in my life. Growing up in the south with a very conservative father, I was taught that we are obligated to defend this country in any way possible. However, when do we say enough is enough?

I can’t stop thinking about the soldier who killed the Afghan citizens this month. I can’t stop thinking about his family, his wife and kids. This hits home for me because my husband was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder several years ago resulting from his time as a Marine in the Gulf war. I would awaken to find him having nightmares, sweating, talking in his sleep.

How much trauma can a human being with a soul endure before they lose it? I didn’t know this soldier of course but I am heartbroken for him and his family. My burning question is this….does the line begin to blur for these soldiers after they have gone through several tours of duty? When you are trained, encouraged, and praised for your work as a killer are you able to decide who to kill and who not to kill? Especially if they are the “enemy.” Add in a previous head injury……….

I will not even begin to say I know what his punishment should be. However, I do know this…..these soldiers need healing, not prison. Stop and take a long hard look at the way we have been encouraged by our government, the media, the talking heads to feel separated from other people, other cultures, them vs. us. We have been instructed on who our enemies should be and why. To top it off, they invoke the name of Jesus to justify their killing. I just don’t believe it anymore. He plainly instructed us on how to handle our enemies right? Obviously they must not really care about the things he taught. A rule is not really a rule if you can continually break it…….

We ask these guys to kill for us, for our protection. What should we do for them? Here’s what….stand up for them, speak for them, support their families, send them love and healing from your soul.

A First Time for Everything

Okay, here I go….this is my first blog post ever and I am just going to jump in. I am one of those people that try to perfect everything and have constant control over it. I have realized how this perfectionism has ruled my life. I try not to judge others but I certainly make up for it by judging myself. I am going to let that go today……let the words flow…let the inspiration come.

I have been trying to decide on the various elements of my blog. I read over and over that I should certainly have a niche. However, it did not feel right to me as I have so many varied interests. When I began searching for a niche I really could not narrow my passions down. So yesterday I read a blog that encouraged me to be as random as I felt like and it rang true for me. So, you will eventually be reading about travel, (my husband, son, and I will be setting off in a few months to try full time RVing for a while) gardening, politics and religion, books, books, books, love and inspiration, vegetarian diets and yoga, and who knows what else.

I want to be absolutely authentic in my writing which is why I feel I must experience the things I write about in some way. So, I am beginning my vegetarian diet and yoga today (again). I experienced a great benefit from these practices in the past. Now however, I live with others who do eat lots and lots of meat and think I am silly to ramble on about these “hippie practices.” I am going to think of it as a challenge, a kind of experiment to see how resilient I can be. When I achieve these goals I will share with you exactly how I did it for I am accountable to you.

“Courage is a triumph of the soul” Jason Mraz-Anything

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