Magic Rising

I read this every morning:  “Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed……Seek My face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  It’s from a little book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  Reading this jars my mind and emotions.  I have recognized that when I open my mind to all the possibilities of creation the magic rises.  

I was thinking about this as I was cooking homemade blueberry muffins this morning to take on a camping trip this weekend.  I realized I never buy boxed mixes for anything anymore.  There is no magic if the creation in not your own.  As I pondered and watched myself as I cut butter into the flour and cinnamon, I could feel the divine flow of God’s poetic words.  Wow….I am in love with cooking!  I always said I did not have time to cook this way, but this is life.  Preparing our meals, taking care of daily living, having time to spend with Jesus.  Everything we do is magic….we just have to pay attention.  I am beginning to forget why we need money, politics, religion, systems of control, isms of any kind.  There is another way of life.

Truth feels like the realization that we all have a Divine Spark, and we are all creators, made in the image of the One Creator.  Truth is becoming immense joy for me.  As I fold fresh blueberries into the batter, I feel their energy, the energy of Creation.  I look at my blue fingernails and marvel at the array of beautiful colors we can see with our eye.  Life is changing, becoming one marvel after another.

I have recently learned to crochet and it too is magic.  I feel it changing my mind and my creativity is awakening!  So, I ponder, why is crochet changing my life?  It is the creation……and the opportunity to crochet love and healing into every stitch.  Today I am beginning a blanket for my sister.  I am immersed in blues for this project in more ways than one.   My sister lost her son to suicide almost two years ago.  I can’t put the pain into words, but I am sure you understand.  As I create this blanket I pray his spirit will be near me, as I sew love and healing into each stitch.  I want to remember the little boy we love so much.

All of this is transforming my mind…all I had to do was ask with sincerity.  I really want to know the mystery of our lives here, the true message of Jesus and Buddha and every teacher that has tried to show the true way.  It shocks me to see the Truth, and the grand deception we have all been subject to.  But seeing this is transforming and freeing.

So, as the magic emerges, in glimpses, and you see what’s around the corner for us, it will set you free.

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by crystalmuse23 on August 3, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by crystalmuse23 on August 3, 2012

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Preserving the Heart

When I was five years old, I would brave the dark night to carry my father something to drink while he was working back in his shop.  It was a scary trek as I had a vivid imagination and often ended up running at full speed after having heard something in the woods.  However, it was more important to show my father love because that’s what he always gave me.  Nothing would make me feel as good as taking him some ice water and seeing how he appreciated it.  I have always been a daddy’s girl.  Which made it all the more difficult when he left.  I was grown but it didn’t matter, the fairy tale was shattered.  

Now, at thirty-four and living back at home with him, I see he is only a human being like we all are.  I see that life has been difficult, wrong decisions were made, that he is just like me, trying to figure out how to make it and be happy.  We disagree on certain fundamental ideals.  So what, right?  Underneath, I know he has a big heart, he just can’t admit it himself.  He is one of those people who will give his last ten dollars to someone in need waiting outside a convenience store.  He often says, “they may use it to buy drugs or alcohol but it’s still good to help.”  That attitude is out of line with the opinions he states about politics, war, enemies in general.  

I say all this to say this…..Saturday my dad and son spent all day harvesting figs and pears to preserve.  Sunday was spent in the small kitchen we all share doing the work of preserving.  Oh, I wasn’t in the small kitchen helping, like I would usually be, my dad was on his own.  Here is why…..I was mad at him for a rude comment he made about my husband.  So, he worked into the night to finish the figs, and had to get up at three a.m. for work.  

Then, this morning, cleaning up some of the mess, begrudgingly,  I remembered my five year old self, walking in the dark, just to give my father a drink.  I remembered following him through the tall east Texas pine trees as he worked.  I remembered his unconditional love.   I have been blessed to never have felt less loved because of my mistakes.  So, why am I mad to clean up the kitchen?  

I read somewhere that the heart has wisdom the mind has no knowledge of.  My heart was telling me to preserve pears and figs but my mind was, as usual, trying to create conflict.  It popped into my heart to work on the preserving project during the day while he was at work and surprise him with it.  My mind immediately said, “You don’t do those things for him anymore, you are grown and it’s silly.”  So, here is an example of a situation where I could show love and follow my heart or follow my resentful mind. So, I am off to the kitchen to do the former with a light and happy heart.   

 

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by crystalmuse23 on July 9, 2012  •  Permalink
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On Monotony

Another Monday…….which is a silly thought for me since I don’t work outside the home anymore, and it’s summertime.  Still, old thought patterns and habit energies are hard to control.  Like labeling a certain day with a word and associating that word with the beginning of another long, stressed work week.  The activities of daily living do not have work weeks and weekends.  Working here in the home is usually the same from day to day.  The only difference is my attitude and mood.  Every couple of months I start missing work “out in the real world.”  My life here at home becomes monotonous, boring, not sexy enough.  I can’t afford all the new clothes, hair highlights, the sexy attitudes anymore.  My ego (and conditioning) tell me that taking care of life is not as good as helping a corporation make a buck, or a killing, I should say.

My husband tells me yesterday, “It’s true that when momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  I knew what he was referring to but asked him anyway, “what are you referring to?”  He said, “just that, when you are  in a good mood, everybody is in a good mood.”  Immediately I felt guilty, (old thought  pattern), but quickly realized how much benefit for all there could be from being peaceful and happy.  “You are heart and home here,” he said.  “Without you, nothing would get done.”  He went on to say how much it meant to have dinner and a clean house, clean clothes and candles burning.  One sweet compliment can make the whole world better.

When I  really examine the reasons I want to be working outside the home again, they all align with ego.  More money which means more stuff which means more stress which means………less time with my family, less time to cook good food for them and keep our home warm.  Less time with my soul.

Our society is so twisted, we are encouraged  to not take care of the only things that really matter.  The real measure of success is what level of materialism you can reach.  Work late so you won’t have time to sit at dinner with your family, work weekends too, and when you get home you can finish up the paperwork you couldn’t get done at the office and then…….zone out…….you are so tired from the stress, who cares about family time.

So, on monotony, defined by Webster as, “sounded or uttered in a single unvarying tone or pitch,”  my life is not monotonous.  My attitude is monotonous.  The first step for me has been the recognition of this insanity.  I am still wading my way out of the depths of the ego but I recognize the path now.  I am trying not to pressure myself to be perfect in every thought and action immediately or ever maybe.  But, I think that recognition is the first step.  I could not change a behavior without seeing it.  And I will admit this now….sometimes I do recognize a bad behavior, and I do it or say it anyway….but, I recognize this also.  For me, this is where discipline begins and it’s difficult.  We are not used to denying the ego, are we?

Monday is another day, just like Saturday.  I wake up, play on the computer, crochet, play with my son, visit with my mother, clean, wash clothes, cook dinner and bake, lay in bed with my dear husband at night.  It may be the same tone every day, but it’s a beautiful one.  Why would I want to sit in a cubicle, doing work that is not aligned with my truth, hair highlights or not?  So…..boo you ego, I am happy today.

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by crystalmuse23 on July 9, 2012  •  Permalink
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The Freedom of Truth

Deception is defined as, a ruse or the state or fact of being deceived. Why is the human mind so prone to it? Is it our separation from our Creator that causes the constant search for truth and therefore facilitates the ease with which we are deceived? God has been calling me as long as I can remember. I largely ignored his call for thirty or so years. And was I ever deceived.
He led me into the dark so I could see the light. For me, it had to be this way. I was the typical American, materialistic, spoiled, immature, and mean. Giving lip service to being a “good” person. I was deceptive, a liar, and a cheat, dark in my ways. After thirty four years I realized the error of my ways. Just because I may not have been caught in every dark act, my soul knew all along.
That is the amazing power of the soul. A built in guide to life and love. After all this time I realize all I had to do was listen to it. Really listen to it. However, I could not do this until I woke up. The strange thing is I thought I was “awake” three years ago. I was not. Reading a book on how to awaken is simply a map. There is no replacement for experience. I absolutely had to experience the pain to awaken. The pain of losing. Losing the security of my childhood home and family at eighteen, two marriages over by twenty eight, a new baby whose father felt no need to stick around, the loss of my home, the loss of my nursing license, drug addiction, the suicide of my dear nephew. And along with all this, the loss of my faith in God, my confidence, my hope for the future that had always been there in the past to pull me through.
As I was wading through all this, not one thought came into my mind and heart about how I had treated people, how selfish I was. Underneath all this, my soul must have known, as I had to have drugs to cope, to help me bury the pain. I am here to say, it won’t stay buried forever. Eventually, the pain rose up and there were not enough drugs to manage it.
All this to arrive here. Where I sit today. Living with my parents at thirty four years old. No money, no house, no job, no credit cards to continue my materialistic hunger.
This is what I do have: my soul mate, my son, my parents, and a new, real relationship with God. And a need to find the truth that I cannot quench. Oh yes, and a new hobby that allows me to create and feel passion again. A new appreciation for cooking good food and enjoying it, baking for my family, taking care of them. Because I want to take care of them. There is no greater joy for me now than giving of myself in any way I can.
I feel myself at a crossroads. The shedding of society, manipulation, deceit, evil. I am in the process of learning how to live in a new way. It is so hard to know where to go in this world if I am to be true to my soul. To be truly mature, loving, responsible for my actions and my thoughts. And, strong enough to defend my belief in God, my belief built on my own experience, not based solely on a verse read to me in church. The pain and loss are what have uplifted me. I would never have gotten here without them.
So, today is Independence Day in America. How about independence from the lower self, the evil that controls our society. This has been said so many times, but how about giving of ourselves and expecting nothing in return while at the same time gaining everything.

The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others.
– Ghandi

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by crystalmuse23 on July 4, 2012  •  Permalink
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Good-bye Sophie

All of my life I have been told, “You are just too sensitive.” So, yesterday when I found out my beloved dog died, I cried a river. And, I am still crying today. I have always felt a certain guilt because my grief for animals has often surpassed the grief I have felt for my beloved human beings. I have always wondered why I feel that way. Even watching “Old Yeller,” and “Where the Red Fern Grows” as a kid was painful for me. Maybe because I am an only child and my dogs and cats were my friends, my playmates, even my confidants. And best of all, they provided unconditional love. Maybe that’s it, the love thing. Animals will love you no matter what you do. Even if you make them sleep out in the rain. They do not judge you or nag you or expect you to give more than you can. They just want to sleep beside you on the bed.

I found Sophie across the street from my house sniffing in the ditch. Understand, I am a soft touch when it comes to stray animals. I can’t resist taking them in. In my mind, even if all I can give them is a little love and a chicken bone that’s enough. She was special. Just like when you meet certain people who light up your life, that was her.

She looked up at me for the first time and cocked her head to the side, (her signature move). You know how some dogs just look female or male….she was so pretty. She followed me in the house and was greeted by the other four dogs that reside with us. They never like the newcomer. However, Sophie was quick to charm though and before long was a member of the family.

She was constantly making me mad, running off at full speed, leading our little dog off on a merry chase. She loved to run and I mean run fast. I have never seen such a fast dog. I am sitting here by the window now, wishing she would run by. Or that I could see her lying under the wisteria getting some sun.

For the first time in a long time I am letting the pain envelope me, penetrate the wall I have created to keep pain out. The wall I didn’t even realize was there, until, fumbling for hope in the darkness, I knocked a brick off of it and they all started to fall. I didn’t realize when I was using drugs to kill pain that I would kill the good feelings and the bad. Who knew this crazy dog would make me love her so much that losing her would cause this deluge.

I have heard many times that I need to be tough, that I would never make it through life if I didn’t toughen up. But, I tried that, and I put my heart under lock and key, and missed the pain alright, but lost my passion for life. But now I know you can get it back.
The pain is excruciating and almost bittersweet and thank God for it.  

So, thank you so much Sophie. Enjoy Heaven….you can run as much as you like and never get hurt. I feel that I have to tell you that you won’t be forgotten, ever. Even when I am too old to remember your name, I will still feel your soft fur and sweet love.

A Good One

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by crystalmuse23 on April 3, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by crystalmuse23 on April 3, 2012

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Indecisions, Indecisions

Lately I have found myself unable to make a decision, or I should say, I make a decision, but don’t stick with it for fear it is the wrong decision.  Briefly, the following is the reason for my affliction……

I went to college to be a nurse….wrong decision…I wanted to major in English but, once again, fear got the better of me.  Everyone around me was encouraging me to pursue a career in which I could make money and have stability in the job market.  This, at the expense of my passions, my true interests.  I have been a nurse for eight years now and have accumulated enough stress to last a lifetime.  I wanted to be of service to others as a nurse, to care for those who needed healing.  It was difficult to do that due to the many rules and restrictions of my employers and our government….Only spend a few minutes with each patient…..

I wanted to be a healer and I wanted to spend as much time with them as they needed.  Anyway, I won’t go into all the details but I am no longer a practicing nurse, which was the result of more bad decisions made by yours truly.  Since then, we have lost our home and just about everything else, but each other.  However, in the midst of this maelstrom, I have found my Creator.  Never in my life have I felt close to Him or had a relationship with Him, until now.  So, I smile through my tears, as I give my worries to Him.  

This has been difficult, to relinquish control, and I am still working on it.  It is not a one time thing, I have to do it all day every day.  I now pray for God’s will to be done in my life.  It scares me a little still which is something I have to let go..but, I worry that His will won’t be what I want!  See, here I go again…….

So, I am patiently waiting for His will to be done in my life, I am mindful and observant for the clues.  This is a challenge for me.  I have always jumped before even having a direction to jump in, which is why I am in the current situation.  I always felt that I knew what was best for me and everyone else.  It has taken me 34 years to figure out that I don’t have a freaking clue!  So, I have convinced myself through the experience of one bad decision after another, that I am unable to control my life.  I can’t be trusted.  

So, here you go God……take it all from me, I know it’s a mess, maybe you can straighten it out for me.  My ego immediately says…”Are you sure you trust someone else to direct your future?”  Yes ego, I do, because you did a terrible job and you are fired!!  Wow, what a load off…..

 

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by crystalmuse23 on March 27, 2012  •  Permalink
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Rediscovering Magic

I began reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron this week.  The book is wonderful so far.  Sometimes, books come to you when you need them, like messages from the Universe.

One of the paths to opening up a creative block, as recommended in the book, is writing “Morning Pages.”  Three full pages written out on paper.  Your inspiration for this is your stream of consciousness.  It sounded daunting to me as I am just beginning to write again after many years.  However, when you are writing your every thought it actually goes quite fast.  Today was my fourth day to roll out of bed and write down my every thought, whether good, bad, or ugly.  Seeing how angry, grumpy and just plain negative some of my thoughts are is tough, but it is a cleansing of the mind.  Afterwards, I feel refreshed and ready to fill my mind back up with positive, creative thoughts.  

Next, the author recommends a weekly “Artist Date.”  No, not a hot date with a sexy artist….actually, yes…a hot date with a sexy artist…yourself!  So today was the day.  I didn’t really know where to take myself so we went to the park, camera and notebook tagging along.  As I am walking along the muddy trail with flip flops on, something happened.  A fleeting memory of childhood….no, not really a memory but the feeling of magic I had as a child walking alone in the woods.  The trees serving as majestic guardians, the scurry of animals, the magic of imagination.  It felt wonderful, I felt so alive, and then it faded.  But, I found it for a moment, something I have not been able to do in years.  

What happens to that magic as we get older?  Why is it so hard to hang onto that childlike wonder?  Over the last ten years or so I have become jaded.  While working as a nurse, I was constantly stressed, even at home.  I found myself feeling as if something were lacking even though I had everything I needed and more.  I constantly thought of alternatives to my fast paced lifestyle. Sometimes I think I was just not cut out for this fast-paced modern culture.  

So, I will continue writing the Morning Pages and taking myself on dates.  I will learn to love myself, opening a pathway for Divine inspiration and creativity, and I will share that inspiration with the world. 

 

 

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by crystalmuse23 on March 23, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by crystalmuse23 on March 23, 2012

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The Toes Knows

I have never been a clumsy person.  I made it to the age of 33 without one broken bone.  So, about six months ago I was the recipient of a what I think was a stress fracture to my right foot.  This happened, I think, while I was chasing my son and bad dog, Sophie (whom you can read about on TheAmateurBiologistOccasional blog) around the house at mach speed.  It’s not really their fault though.  It could be one or both of the following…..I might need to lose about 30 pounds or the Universe is trying to tell me to slow down.  My husband went for the latter reason of course.  He could be right though.  

So, about two months ago I broke the pinky toe on my left foot.  Before I tell you anything else I need to preface this…I love animals, any kind, and sometimes I can go overboard with my compassion (is that possible?).  Sophie, in all her badness brought home to the backyard a squirrel.  It really did look like it was either already dead or dying.  I did not want the squirrel to have to die in my dog’s ferocious grasp.  My son and I took a blanket and went out to retrieve the squirrel.  Next, I brought it in the house to have a peaceful death wrapped in a blanket….yes, I brought the squirrel inside my house.  We laid it on the floor and I proceeded to try and give it liquid acetaminophen in a syringe. The squirrel did not let on at that point that it was just playing dead.  

I told my son we should take it into the laundry room so it would be closed in behind the door, just in case it didn’t die and wanted to get up.  Well, it did want to get up and away from me.   As I carried it to it’s new abode in the blanket I felt it move.  I froze!  I slid the squirrel and the blanket on the floor into the room and took off running through the kitchen, my son in tow.  I never thought you could break a toe just running and falling on the floor, but you can.  

So, there you go…….the first toe is broken.  Did I take it easy these past few months and let it heal? Of course not, there is just too much to do.  

Let’s move on to toe break number 2.  This happened just yesterday morning.  My husband is in the process of selling some old clock and watch repair tools.  You can imagine, they are old and heavy and all over the house in the way.  I can tell you this…if you walk into one of them it can break your toe.  Strangely enough, this toe is also on the left foot next to the pinky toe and it hurt much worse than the squirrel break.  

I have come to this conclusion, the toes know something….and are trying to tell me about it.  I probably should slow down and rest the toe but who will take care of all the things I have to do?  My husband, that’s who.  He always volunteers to take care of things while I rest and I know he means it sincerely.  This is about me having to be in control, having to make sure things get done the way I want them to.  

Today I am going to do this…write, read, crochet, sleep (maybe), and rest my toe.  I have to give the toes credit, they have accomplished a lot getting me to rest.  I am going to accept the divine gift of a husband who loves me and wants to take care of me….I am blessed. 

As far as my bad dog Sophie, at this very moment she is chasing my son around the house faster than lightning, just tempting me and my bad toes to come out and play…………….

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by crystalmuse23 on March 21, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by crystalmuse23 on March 21, 2012

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Selective Killing

How do we justify the killing of one human being over another?  This question truly perplexes me at this point in my life.  Growing up in the south with a very conservative father, I was taught that we are obligated to defend this country in any way possible.  However, when do we say enough is enough?  

I can’t stop thinking about the soldier who killed the Afghan citizens this month.  I can’t stop thinking about his family, his wife and kids.  This hits home for me because my husband was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder several years ago resulting from his time as a Marine in the Gulf war.  I would awaken to find him having nightmares, sweating, talking in his sleep.  

How much trauma can a human being with a soul endure before they lose it?  I didn’t know this soldier of course but I am heartbroken for him and his family.  My burning question is this….does the line begin to blur for these soldiers after they have gone through several tours of duty?  When you are trained, encouraged, and praised for your work as a killer are you able to decide who to kill and who not to kill?  Especially if they are the “enemy.”  Add in a previous head injury……….

I will not even begin to say I know what his punishment should be.  However, I do know this…..these soldiers need healing, not prison.   Stop and take a long hard look at the way we have been encouraged by our government, the media, the talking heads to feel separated from other people, other cultures, them vs. us.   We have been instructed on who our enemies should be and why.  To top it off, they invoke the name of Jesus to justify their killing.  I just don’t believe it anymore.  He plainly instructed us on how to handle our enemies right? Obviously they must not really care about the things he taught.  A rule is not really a rule if you can continually break it…….

We ask these guys to kill for us, for our protection.  What should we do for them?  Here’s what….stand up for them, speak for them, support their families, send them love and healing from your soul.

 

 

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by crystalmuse23 on March 19, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by crystalmuse23 on March 19, 2012

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A First Time for Everything

Okay, here I go….this is my first blog post ever and I am just going to jump in.  I am one of those people that try to perfect everything and have constant control over it.  I have realized how this perfectionism has ruled my life.  I try not to judge others but I certainly make up for it by judging myself.    I am going to let that go today……let the words flow…let the inspiration come.  

I have been trying to decide on the various elements of my blog.  I read over and over that I should certainly have a niche.  However, it did not feel right to me as I have so many varied interests.  When I began searching for a niche I really could not narrow my passions down.  So yesterday I read a blog that encouraged me to be as random as I felt like and it rang true for me.  So, you will eventually be reading about travel, (my husband, son, and I will be setting off in a few months to try full time RVing for a while) gardening, politics and religion, books, books, books, love and inspiration, vegetarian diets and yoga, and who knows what else.  

I want to be absolutely authentic in my writing which is why I feel I must experience the things I write about in some way.  So, I am beginning my vegetarian diet and yoga today (again).  I experienced a great benefit from these practices in the past.  Now however, I live with others who do eat lots and lots of meat and think I am silly to ramble on about these “hippie practices.”  I am going to think of it as a challenge, a kind of experiment to see how resilient I can be.  When I achieve these goals I will share with you exactly how I did it for I am accountable to you.

“Courage is a triumph of the soul” Jason Mraz-Anything

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by crystalmuse23 on March 19, 2012  •  Permalink
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